The Pit of Despair

You can tell a lot about a dad when he's in the Pit of Despair. You'll see some relaxed and playful. Others will be wide-eyed and hurried. And still, a few more will be oblivious and absolutely clueless. The Pit of Despair isn't some testosterone laden octagon fight. Nor am I referring to where Prince Humperdink sucked the life out of Wesley because only he and his Buttercup can have true love (I'm not smoking anything...see Princess Bride...) I'm referring to the kids playground at Jordan Creek Mall!

Watching the faces and demeanor of Dads here is about as entertaining as a long, hot, muggy day at the Iowa State Fair, counting mullets, ill-fitted tube tops, and how many things-on-a-stick you can eat...it's absolutely fun! Here's a sampling of Dads you might find at the Pit of Despair, and the probability you'll actually see him:

The Proud Dad - this guy has a smile on his face the entire duration in the Pit. He's usually in pleated Dockers, Chap's polo shirt, and sandals, with socks. You'll find him following his infant child, making sure she doesn't tumble off the slide head first. And he's the one making way too loud baby talk. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 30%

The Supportive Dad - sometimes confused for the Proud Dad, the Supportive Dad does not wear socks with his sandals, and his smile and baby talk is so forced, you can see him checking his smart phone for sports updates, obscene emails from his buddies, or playing with the iPhone fart app. Supportive dad doesn't hover around his baby, rather he keeps his distance and only enters the Pit battle area when it's absolutely necessary. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 60%

The Apple Store Dad - this guy is totally oblivious to what's going on inside the Pit. Yet, he's got four grown kids making a mess and running amok of the place. Kids roughhousing, jumping from the top of the train down on some poor 11 month old. Dad though, couldn't care less...he's playing with his new iToy!!!!! The only saving grace to this Dad's fleeting mind is his buyers remorse from that fact that he just bought Apple's latest gadget that has a WTF antennae design. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 40%

The Tom Cruise Dad - this is the guy with just one baby, the lightweight Euro stroller, the designer jeans, the mandals (sans socks...) and the Hollywood mom/wife rummaging through her Chicos, Black and White Store, and Ann Taylor shopping bags. Wait...is that Suri he's watching over? Chances you'll actually see this guy: 0%, you can't see him because he can't see YOU through his designer shades, which he's wearing indoors!

The Hawk Dad - you'll find this Dad on the Pit dance floor at all times. Always hovering and shielding his baby from slips, falls and future lawsuits. This guy is quick on the draw, able to move with cat-like reflexes dodging little ones with ease. Most of the time, Mom is keeping watch from the bench, and Dad is swooping in and out on-demand. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 25%

The Mel Gibson Dad - keep your distance from this Dad. He does not want to be in the Pit. He probably got a bad latte from Starbucks. He's been at the mall for over 6 hours. And the Asian massage troupe didn't do an adequate job to relieve his stress. Now he's keeping watch over his kids while his wife is sipping wine at the Cheesecake Factory with her friends. Mel Gibson Dad is constantly screaming at his kids, and making audible "pfffffttt" sounds. It's clear he doesn't want to be there. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 75%. Chances Mel Gibson Dad and Tom Cruise Dad duke it out: 100%, it's on!

I'll save a few more Dads for part II of the Pit of Despair. If you've seen some more, let me know, describe him and the chances we'll see him there. In the meantime, let me go iron my pleated Dockers...