Damn those wireless commercials are true after all!

Ok, I'm convinced. I'm a believer. No need selling me any longer! I'm talking to you Sprint. And if I dated you Verizon, I'd say the same thing. T-Mobile, I'm sorry we drifted apart, but you were right all along. AT&T, baby...this threesome we have...I knew you'd understand how to live with me and Sprint.

Before this post gets any dirtier, let me clarify. I'm talking about those wireless commercials that exhort how their services and devices can bring a traveling dad and his babies back home closer through the airwaves. You've seen them. Over and over, I'm sure. In case you've forgotten, here's a classic example: Dad in a corporate conference room. Camera on the intent listeners and looks of collaboration. Cut to kids at home practicing their dance routines or perfecting their t-ball swings, but something's amiss. Dad's not there. Cue heartfelt intro ballad. Cut back to dad, end of his work day, tie undone, slumped shoulders. Pulls out his phone and calls his kids. Cut to happy smiling children, excited to hear from dad. Magical paper men connected appear. Cue the golden hue of a rising sun. Pan out dad, relaxed and satisfied. Crescendo in the ballad. Everyone smiles, everyone's connected. Fade to wireless logo. Unicorns appear. Glitter everywhere. Happiness forever!

I've been there! More times than I care to admit. But it's never prompted me to go out and buy a phone for that reason. I just assumed I'm connected. You know...I can always call. Until now! Now, I also wanted to SEE. Because for the first time I missed something that I actually felt like a bad dad for missing...Tayden's 1st grade class play. He had two speaking parts. He'd been practicing his songs intently. And the song selections totally kicked ass for a first grade program - James Taylor, Stevie Wonder, and Ben E King! And I had to travel for work. If there ever was a trending Twitter tag of #dadfail, I'd be the poster child.

So thank you wireless companies for showing me the light! For showing me that I need not only one (mine) smartphone, but one for Nu so she can Qik video stream any event I might miss or see those smiling faces before bed. Oh! Maybe I can read to them via video chat before bed? Yeaaaaa...That's another commercial. So true after all. #dadfailnomore!

Now where am I going to find the $300 for the device and extra $30/mo for data? They never said anything about that conundrum in the commercials!

Memorable conversations #8

Setting: Evening car ride from Best Buy.
Participants: Phoukham and Tayden
RE: Points earned to buy legos

Tayden: Dad, did I earn a point today? I went to Best Buy with you and I was good.
Phoukham: No! You don't earn points just by being good at Best Buy!
Tayden: But you said I'd earn points if I were good!
Phoukham: I said you earn points by doing spectacular things. Like helping with chores without having me ask you. Or getting blue, purple or pink days at school.
Tayden: That's not true Dad! You said I get one point for being good. And 10 points for being extra good.
Phoukham: I don't remember that at all. I think you're making that up.
Tayden: I'm not making it up. And of course you don't remember...you're old! You're like 38! And old!
Phoukham: I know what I said and I didn't say that. And I'm not that old!
Tayden: Oh, you're old Dad.

Lesson learned: When your six year old declares you old, it's time to think about using Just For Men! And for the record, he didn't get his points!

Proud Dad

I'm so proud of my kids. Ok, so I have lofty expectations, but I really am so proud. I don't run to soothe my babies after they fall and scrape their knees...I sneer, "get up! You can't pick yourself back up if you don't fall!" I also usually get a Big dirty look from my wife...but that's another blog. Anyway, although Tayden's only in the first grade, I expect him to read me the feature story of the daily Wall Street Journal. Yea...talking about North Korea's ambivalence with the South just makes breakfast so much more engaging! Finally, I don't think it was too much to ask that Kailan learned to eat all by herself - using chopsticks - before she turned two. Doesn't every parent expect just as much?

So you can see why I'm one proud dad. But the other day, Tayden took proud to another level. It almost brought me to tears. He asked me to download Zombie Farm for his iPhone! My boy...a zombie fan! (eyes welling up)

Now, one look at my DVD collection and bookshelf and it's clear that I have an affinity for the living dead. From classics like Night of the Living Dead, to cult classics like The Army of Darkness, to new classics like Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland, not to mention The Zombie Survival Guide, the definitive book of eli when the apocalypse occurs...if there's brains to be eaten, automatic thumbs up! So needless to say, he didn't have to ask twice, instant download!

It's a cute game. Combining farming skills with how to plant, grow, and raise a cute little monster of your own. Tap on the zombies and a cute, " Brains!"
yelp ensues. You can even buy a mausoleum for them to sleep in! And here's the topper of them all...there's no better feeling for a zombie Dad fan than hearing from your six year old, "Dad! My zombie is hungry...I need to buy some brains."

(tears) So proud.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's good to be, back?

First things first. My apologies for not standing up to my duties as a parenthood blogger. I guess...well...parenthood got in the way of my blogging! You know, the diapers, the parent pick-ups, the martial arts and capoeira classes, the memorable quotes and many sleepless nights, it's enough to make anyone layoff the the laptop for months! Ah, but alas, along comes the iPad...in all its 9.7" buttonless glory and world of apps. And thanks to BlogPress and $1.99, I'm back in the game! Oh please, you don't have to thank me, but thank my kids college savings account...it took a hit with this purchase.

Back to the matter at hand. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. And by the updates on my Facebook and Twitter feeds, it sounds like everyone was blessed with great love, great food, great family, great friends and overall great fortunes. It was (Holy crap! Is that Marc Anthony in The Substitute? Mr JLo? You know...1996...Tom Berenger!?!?! Sorry, late night diversion) all too sweet. So sweet in fact, I wonder if anyone had a disastrous, wickedly bad Thanksgiving! Well, for the first time, probably ever, I did.

Now I'm not hatin' on all the social loving and the fact that great family, friends, and food = a spectacular thankful holiday, but when you throw in there a bout with the stomach flu, all that sh!t goes out the window (no pun intended, well...). I know! Of all times to get the bug...on Thanksgiving day!?!? Cmon man! And to make matters even more festive, all three babies had it too. Thus a true test of patience, fortitude, empathy, and the heavy-soiled setting on the washing machine. I've got a job for you Maytag man!

But it's amazing what a little Gatorade, some saltines and Black Friday will do to the pukes and runsDMC. It left as quick as it came! Everyone was golden today...24 hour bug...it came, had dinner, didn't stick around for small talk, and rudely left without a proper goodbye. Well, I guess that's not a bad thing. And considering everyone is smiling again, I'll take it as the official kickoff to the holiday season.

It's good to be back! On many fronts. And it is Marc Anthony in The Substitute. IMDB.com confirmed...God bless iOS 4.2 and multitasking! Happy holidays.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Water, bikinis and board shorts, silicone, and...poop.

Remember when "aquatic centers" consisted of a swimming area a tad larger than what you could buy at the local K-Mart that was plastic and could be filled with your garden hose? There was a standard diving board, and if your local municipality was extra loaded then you had a high dive board. And if you were really, really lucky...there was a sun pad in the middle of the pool so the guys and gals could swim out with some remoteness and go goo-ga over one another. Sure, there were concession stands...that consisted of Coke, Sprite and the occasional rope of cherry licorice. Finally, all of the sun bathing areas and drop off spots were, well, concrete and you had to bring like six beach towels to soften the sunnin. Anyone remember Teachout swimming pool, Birdland swimming pool, and Camp Dodge pool??????

Today, "aquatic centers" take on a whole new meaning. Especially the new one in Ankeny...Cascade Falls. Holy water up my nose! this place is balls-out impressive. It's like as if Kevin Costner took the plans for his best movie set, WaterWorld (insert sarcasm), and gave it to the city of Ankeny. It's like if Oceans of Fun and a Carnival cruise ship did the nasty and had a 3 acre sunbathing, watersliding, high diving, lazy rivering love child (yea, go ahead City of Ankeny, you can use this in your marketing brochures). It's as if on the 8th day, God himself created Cascade Falls!

It was just all too perfect. I could swear that Ankeny now boasts the best mommy and daddy bodies in the Des Moines area. There were some gorgeous people with gorgeous babies and a good share of silicone to officially put Ankeny on the map as #1 in the DSM area for perfectly round and sometimes way-too-big-for-her-body boobs. And the concession stand had someone in a CHEF'S hat running around in the back!!!! I ordered the rare duck and blue fin tuna sashimi, with a klondike bar and salted pretzel to finish off the snack. Don't get me started on the three waterslides and the toilet bowl slide...beats the pants out of just the standard twisty and turvy variety. Oh, and the lazy lazy river with like 4 stops...where are the bungee cords and floating coolers when you need them?!?!?! Oh, oh! and the kids/baby pool area...ridiculously playful it's insanely sick!!! I mean, this place is so nice, I wanted to puke perfumed roses and Price Is Right showcase showdown winners!

But alas...some things never change. Especially when poop enters the picture...er, I mean, pool. Yes, I found a Crappie sized crapper floating near the aqua playpen...someone didn't have her swim diaper on snug enough. The old aquatic center feel is not lost...they had to clear the pool, fish out the Baby Ruth, and douse the place with Clorox bleach. Just like the old days!!!!! And for some reason, I sense of peace enveloped me...all is not lost...

My Day in Haiku

I woke up today.

The alarm clock didn't ring.

Shit! I'm late again.

Sweets and treats for work.

Do Biz cinnamon rolls, yum...

Warm box, burning legs.

Cookies for breakfast.

Oh yea, work is flying by.

Jeans give my butt lift.

I didn't eat lunch.

I got a piece of hate mail.

Mail box full? F**k off!

I'm off of work now.

Here comes golf and cocktail fun.

Cute cart girl, nice bum...

Played like ass, again.

Lost two dinners, C'mon Say!

That cart girl again...;)

Ah...good drinks, good food.

Thunder Dan picked up the wings!

No discounts tonight.

It's past midnight now.

And I get the urge to blog.

Wings make belly hate!

I sleep with Bourdain.

PX90...I'll get ripped!

Only in my dreams.

Turn off PC now!

Gotta publish this blog, wow...

My day in haiku...

Good night!

Cliche of cliches

Now I understand what all the other parents were talking about. You've heard it before..."they grow up soooo fast!" and "time flies when you're having fun." It's what comes out of every, every, parents mouth when talking about their kids and how one minute the babies are tiny little precious angels going home for the first time...and the next minute they're asking for the keys to the car for a date, then you're asking, "what the heck is that stain?!?!" the morning after!

I prefer to be more specific though when uttering these words because, duh, we all know time flies when when we're having fun. But in the case of kids and daddyhood, it's like this:

• Time flies when you're changing a 5lb diaper loaded to the hilt.

• Time flies when you're sleep deprived and the idea of sleeping in is 7am.

• Time flies when you're cheering your lungs out at a soccer game and he just did The Faceplant of Faceplants!

• Time flies when you're rolling in the minivan and the tuner-car fanboy gives you props.

• Time flies when you start the morning at 5am and you still get to work late!

• Time flies when that perfectly pressed shirt is tatoo'd with spit up and snot.

• Time flies when the grandparents decide to give the kids their own haircut because you haven't made an appointment after several mentions. What ensues is the classic bowl cut.

• Time flies when a perpetual cold and flu strikes everyone in the clan.

• Time flies when a "quickie" means a glance, a smile, and a pat on the ass.

• Time flies when you're judging other dads at the mall playground area.

• And time flies when your 6yr old son is hitting on the Target checkout girl...telling her to come over later...

So it's true...fo sho! Time does in fact fly when we're having this much FUNNNNNNNN! Share me some of your fun...