Memorable conversations #8

Setting: Evening car ride from Best Buy.
Participants: Phoukham and Tayden
RE: Points earned to buy legos

Tayden: Dad, did I earn a point today? I went to Best Buy with you and I was good.
Phoukham: No! You don't earn points just by being good at Best Buy!
Tayden: But you said I'd earn points if I were good!
Phoukham: I said you earn points by doing spectacular things. Like helping with chores without having me ask you. Or getting blue, purple or pink days at school.
Tayden: That's not true Dad! You said I get one point for being good. And 10 points for being extra good.
Phoukham: I don't remember that at all. I think you're making that up.
Tayden: I'm not making it up. And of course you don't remember...you're old! You're like 38! And old!
Phoukham: I know what I said and I didn't say that. And I'm not that old!
Tayden: Oh, you're old Dad.

Lesson learned: When your six year old declares you old, it's time to think about using Just For Men! And for the record, he didn't get his points!

Proud Dad

I'm so proud of my kids. Ok, so I have lofty expectations, but I really am so proud. I don't run to soothe my babies after they fall and scrape their knees...I sneer, "get up! You can't pick yourself back up if you don't fall!" I also usually get a Big dirty look from my wife...but that's another blog. Anyway, although Tayden's only in the first grade, I expect him to read me the feature story of the daily Wall Street Journal. Yea...talking about North Korea's ambivalence with the South just makes breakfast so much more engaging! Finally, I don't think it was too much to ask that Kailan learned to eat all by herself - using chopsticks - before she turned two. Doesn't every parent expect just as much?

So you can see why I'm one proud dad. But the other day, Tayden took proud to another level. It almost brought me to tears. He asked me to download Zombie Farm for his iPhone! My boy...a zombie fan! (eyes welling up)

Now, one look at my DVD collection and bookshelf and it's clear that I have an affinity for the living dead. From classics like Night of the Living Dead, to cult classics like The Army of Darkness, to new classics like Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland, not to mention The Zombie Survival Guide, the definitive book of eli when the apocalypse occurs...if there's brains to be eaten, automatic thumbs up! So needless to say, he didn't have to ask twice, instant download!

It's a cute game. Combining farming skills with how to plant, grow, and raise a cute little monster of your own. Tap on the zombies and a cute, " Brains!"
yelp ensues. You can even buy a mausoleum for them to sleep in! And here's the topper of them all...there's no better feeling for a zombie Dad fan than hearing from your six year old, "Dad! My zombie is hungry...I need to buy some brains."

(tears) So proud.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's good to be, back?

First things first. My apologies for not standing up to my duties as a parenthood blogger. I guess...well...parenthood got in the way of my blogging! You know, the diapers, the parent pick-ups, the martial arts and capoeira classes, the memorable quotes and many sleepless nights, it's enough to make anyone layoff the the laptop for months! Ah, but alas, along comes the iPad...in all its 9.7" buttonless glory and world of apps. And thanks to BlogPress and $1.99, I'm back in the game! Oh please, you don't have to thank me, but thank my kids college savings account...it took a hit with this purchase.

Back to the matter at hand. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. And by the updates on my Facebook and Twitter feeds, it sounds like everyone was blessed with great love, great food, great family, great friends and overall great fortunes. It was (Holy crap! Is that Marc Anthony in The Substitute? Mr JLo? You know...1996...Tom Berenger!?!?! Sorry, late night diversion) all too sweet. So sweet in fact, I wonder if anyone had a disastrous, wickedly bad Thanksgiving! Well, for the first time, probably ever, I did.

Now I'm not hatin' on all the social loving and the fact that great family, friends, and food = a spectacular thankful holiday, but when you throw in there a bout with the stomach flu, all that sh!t goes out the window (no pun intended, well...). I know! Of all times to get the bug...on Thanksgiving day!?!? Cmon man! And to make matters even more festive, all three babies had it too. Thus a true test of patience, fortitude, empathy, and the heavy-soiled setting on the washing machine. I've got a job for you Maytag man!

But it's amazing what a little Gatorade, some saltines and Black Friday will do to the pukes and runsDMC. It left as quick as it came! Everyone was golden today...24 hour bug...it came, had dinner, didn't stick around for small talk, and rudely left without a proper goodbye. Well, I guess that's not a bad thing. And considering everyone is smiling again, I'll take it as the official kickoff to the holiday season.

It's good to be back! On many fronts. And it is Marc Anthony in The Substitute. IMDB.com confirmed...God bless iOS 4.2 and multitasking! Happy holidays.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Water, bikinis and board shorts, silicone, and...poop.

Remember when "aquatic centers" consisted of a swimming area a tad larger than what you could buy at the local K-Mart that was plastic and could be filled with your garden hose? There was a standard diving board, and if your local municipality was extra loaded then you had a high dive board. And if you were really, really lucky...there was a sun pad in the middle of the pool so the guys and gals could swim out with some remoteness and go goo-ga over one another. Sure, there were concession stands...that consisted of Coke, Sprite and the occasional rope of cherry licorice. Finally, all of the sun bathing areas and drop off spots were, well, concrete and you had to bring like six beach towels to soften the sunnin. Anyone remember Teachout swimming pool, Birdland swimming pool, and Camp Dodge pool??????

Today, "aquatic centers" take on a whole new meaning. Especially the new one in Ankeny...Cascade Falls. Holy water up my nose! this place is balls-out impressive. It's like as if Kevin Costner took the plans for his best movie set, WaterWorld (insert sarcasm), and gave it to the city of Ankeny. It's like if Oceans of Fun and a Carnival cruise ship did the nasty and had a 3 acre sunbathing, watersliding, high diving, lazy rivering love child (yea, go ahead City of Ankeny, you can use this in your marketing brochures). It's as if on the 8th day, God himself created Cascade Falls!

It was just all too perfect. I could swear that Ankeny now boasts the best mommy and daddy bodies in the Des Moines area. There were some gorgeous people with gorgeous babies and a good share of silicone to officially put Ankeny on the map as #1 in the DSM area for perfectly round and sometimes way-too-big-for-her-body boobs. And the concession stand had someone in a CHEF'S hat running around in the back!!!! I ordered the rare duck and blue fin tuna sashimi, with a klondike bar and salted pretzel to finish off the snack. Don't get me started on the three waterslides and the toilet bowl slide...beats the pants out of just the standard twisty and turvy variety. Oh, and the lazy lazy river with like 4 stops...where are the bungee cords and floating coolers when you need them?!?!?! Oh, oh! and the kids/baby pool area...ridiculously playful it's insanely sick!!! I mean, this place is so nice, I wanted to puke perfumed roses and Price Is Right showcase showdown winners!

But alas...some things never change. Especially when poop enters the picture...er, I mean, pool. Yes, I found a Crappie sized crapper floating near the aqua playpen...someone didn't have her swim diaper on snug enough. The old aquatic center feel is not lost...they had to clear the pool, fish out the Baby Ruth, and douse the place with Clorox bleach. Just like the old days!!!!! And for some reason, I sense of peace enveloped me...all is not lost...

My Day in Haiku

I woke up today.

The alarm clock didn't ring.

Shit! I'm late again.

Sweets and treats for work.

Do Biz cinnamon rolls, yum...

Warm box, burning legs.

Cookies for breakfast.

Oh yea, work is flying by.

Jeans give my butt lift.

I didn't eat lunch.

I got a piece of hate mail.

Mail box full? F**k off!

I'm off of work now.

Here comes golf and cocktail fun.

Cute cart girl, nice bum...

Played like ass, again.

Lost two dinners, C'mon Say!

That cart girl again...;)

Ah...good drinks, good food.

Thunder Dan picked up the wings!

No discounts tonight.

It's past midnight now.

And I get the urge to blog.

Wings make belly hate!

I sleep with Bourdain.

PX90...I'll get ripped!

Only in my dreams.

Turn off PC now!

Gotta publish this blog, wow...

My day in haiku...

Good night!

Cliche of cliches

Now I understand what all the other parents were talking about. You've heard it before..."they grow up soooo fast!" and "time flies when you're having fun." It's what comes out of every, every, parents mouth when talking about their kids and how one minute the babies are tiny little precious angels going home for the first time...and the next minute they're asking for the keys to the car for a date, then you're asking, "what the heck is that stain?!?!" the morning after!

I prefer to be more specific though when uttering these words because, duh, we all know time flies when when we're having fun. But in the case of kids and daddyhood, it's like this:

• Time flies when you're changing a 5lb diaper loaded to the hilt.

• Time flies when you're sleep deprived and the idea of sleeping in is 7am.

• Time flies when you're cheering your lungs out at a soccer game and he just did The Faceplant of Faceplants!

• Time flies when you're rolling in the minivan and the tuner-car fanboy gives you props.

• Time flies when you start the morning at 5am and you still get to work late!

• Time flies when that perfectly pressed shirt is tatoo'd with spit up and snot.

• Time flies when the grandparents decide to give the kids their own haircut because you haven't made an appointment after several mentions. What ensues is the classic bowl cut.

• Time flies when a perpetual cold and flu strikes everyone in the clan.

• Time flies when a "quickie" means a glance, a smile, and a pat on the ass.

• Time flies when you're judging other dads at the mall playground area.

• And time flies when your 6yr old son is hitting on the Target checkout girl...telling her to come over later...

So it's true...fo sho! Time does in fact fly when we're having this much FUNNNNNNNN! Share me some of your fun...

I'm more Manly than you...

I had a discovery moment with myself this morning. Actually it wasn't just me. But also with two guys in a red Mazda Miata...top down, tanned shaved heads, aviators, Express Men paisley shirts (top two buttons unbuttoned, mind you) and an odd staredown I can only describe as a battle of manliness. You see...I was in my Mini...my minivan, that is...and he was staring me down like, "Dude, nice van..." Oddly though, I was giving him the same stare and thinking, "Dude, get your buddy off your lap and invoke a ladies-drive-only rule!" Thus, the manliness battle begins!

Yea, yea...I drive a minivan. But honestly, I love that ride! It's got doors that open and close automatically. I don't have to help the kids get in it...kick a stool next to the door or just chuck them in by the collar...sooooo nice! I can squeal the tires, albeit, for only a second or two max. And it's a technogeek's dream with the hard drive, sat radio, DVD screens that are Pimp My Ride worthy and I can tell it what to do and it'll obey my every command..."72 degrees, AC on Biatch!!!!" Voice activation, yea!

I dunno...I felt good and manly. So when the Coppertone Dome twins were giving me the sad Dad look, I stared them back and thought:

• No man under 50 should be driving a Mazda Miata...and be happy about it.
• No man should be driving a Mazda Miata with another man - unless it's the 50 year old teaching his son to drive.
• No man should be driving a Mazda Miata in attire other than a pair of jeans, a non graphic tee, classic Wayfarers, and a full head of hair so you can actually experience that "wind blowing mane" feeling.
• Finally, No man should be driving a Mazda Miata without a Lady sitting comfortably next to him, in a sun dress, matching Wayfarers, coordinated head scarf, red lipstick and a radiating smile. Quellazaire optional.

And under my sad-dad-in-a-minivan breath, I said..."I'm more Manly than youuuuu...."

Pinatas = Anger management for babies

Pinatas. Honestly, I never paid any attention to it. I thought it to be cute and fun activity where kids get to whack an overpriced cardboard box donned in decorative fluff, and then scurry like mad rodents to collect the loot of its sweet innards. Oh was I so wrong...

The setup seemed innocent enough - fill pinata with candy, hang pinata from location at eye level, round up the kids. But here is where it starts to resemble an anger management session - supply blunt instrument, line up executioners in an orderly fashion, give the order, mayhem ensues...O...M...G!!!!! Those poor pinatas! The facial contortions and expressions of destruction were in full display with these kids. Here...see for yourself...

In the beginning: smiles and happiness

The anger begins:

So sweet, yet...so angry!

Oh hell no...he got some angry grudge look to him!

Anger baseball swing to the midsection..."Ow!", said Elmo.

And here is what's left of Elmo after the whackin! Oh the humanity...

Dismembered Elmo:

So what's the lesson here? Pinata + angry kids + whuppin stick = a headless Elmo even Quentin Tarantino would be proud to put on film!

The Pit of Despair

You can tell a lot about a dad when he's in the Pit of Despair. You'll see some relaxed and playful. Others will be wide-eyed and hurried. And still, a few more will be oblivious and absolutely clueless. The Pit of Despair isn't some testosterone laden octagon fight. Nor am I referring to where Prince Humperdink sucked the life out of Wesley because only he and his Buttercup can have true love (I'm not smoking anything...see Princess Bride...) I'm referring to the kids playground at Jordan Creek Mall!

Watching the faces and demeanor of Dads here is about as entertaining as a long, hot, muggy day at the Iowa State Fair, counting mullets, ill-fitted tube tops, and how many things-on-a-stick you can eat...it's absolutely fun! Here's a sampling of Dads you might find at the Pit of Despair, and the probability you'll actually see him:

The Proud Dad - this guy has a smile on his face the entire duration in the Pit. He's usually in pleated Dockers, Chap's polo shirt, and sandals, with socks. You'll find him following his infant child, making sure she doesn't tumble off the slide head first. And he's the one making way too loud baby talk. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 30%

The Supportive Dad - sometimes confused for the Proud Dad, the Supportive Dad does not wear socks with his sandals, and his smile and baby talk is so forced, you can see him checking his smart phone for sports updates, obscene emails from his buddies, or playing with the iPhone fart app. Supportive dad doesn't hover around his baby, rather he keeps his distance and only enters the Pit battle area when it's absolutely necessary. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 60%

The Apple Store Dad - this guy is totally oblivious to what's going on inside the Pit. Yet, he's got four grown kids making a mess and running amok of the place. Kids roughhousing, jumping from the top of the train down on some poor 11 month old. Dad though, couldn't care less...he's playing with his new iToy!!!!! The only saving grace to this Dad's fleeting mind is his buyers remorse from that fact that he just bought Apple's latest gadget that has a WTF antennae design. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 40%

The Tom Cruise Dad - this is the guy with just one baby, the lightweight Euro stroller, the designer jeans, the mandals (sans socks...) and the Hollywood mom/wife rummaging through her Chicos, Black and White Store, and Ann Taylor shopping bags. Wait...is that Suri he's watching over? Chances you'll actually see this guy: 0%, you can't see him because he can't see YOU through his designer shades, which he's wearing indoors!

The Hawk Dad - you'll find this Dad on the Pit dance floor at all times. Always hovering and shielding his baby from slips, falls and future lawsuits. This guy is quick on the draw, able to move with cat-like reflexes dodging little ones with ease. Most of the time, Mom is keeping watch from the bench, and Dad is swooping in and out on-demand. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 25%

The Mel Gibson Dad - keep your distance from this Dad. He does not want to be in the Pit. He probably got a bad latte from Starbucks. He's been at the mall for over 6 hours. And the Asian massage troupe didn't do an adequate job to relieve his stress. Now he's keeping watch over his kids while his wife is sipping wine at the Cheesecake Factory with her friends. Mel Gibson Dad is constantly screaming at his kids, and making audible "pfffffttt" sounds. It's clear he doesn't want to be there. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 75%. Chances Mel Gibson Dad and Tom Cruise Dad duke it out: 100%, it's on!

I'll save a few more Dads for part II of the Pit of Despair. If you've seen some more, let me know, describe him and the chances we'll see him there. In the meantime, let me go iron my pleated Dockers...

My theme song...

Rocky Balboa had one. You know...as he was training and ran up the stairs of the Philly Museum of Art, bleeding confidence and victory. Darth Vader had one...as he walked past the imperial guards ready to Jedi choke anyone who spoke against him. Those runners in Chariots of Fire had one...running along the beach on their way towards victory. I'm talking about theme songs...music, songs and inspiration that define these men for who they are, be it heroes, masterful villains, or underdog champions.

Well...ladies and gentlemen...here is my theme song (have your speakers ON, totally safe for work!):

Dad Life

You like? If you're a suburban dad, or if you're one of those urban dwelling blokes who's ever had a wet dream about a John Deere zero-turn 60" deck riding mower, this is your new theme song as well! So let's all rejoice in this celebration of Dad-dom. From the man scape, to the man cave, to the king of the Weber, to the master of the minivan...we have all been there, and this is our life...this is the Dad Life. Enjoy!

Riding out the storm...the Bieber storm that is!

Oh...how could I forget...the constant front row seat promotions on KISS...the pre-pubescence crooning of "One Less Lonely Girl" in the background of said promos, the laughter of Harry Potter mistaking him for a girly singer, and the line of cars on the 2nd Ave. exit off of I-235 that'll fill up the Well. I'm talking about Justin Bieber...I've just been caught in the middle of a Category 5 Beebs storm!!!!

At one point or another, Tayden asked to go to the concert. But he has a horrible track record at concerts/shows/events where there is a smattering of people...he always, always, always falls asleep!

Allow me to present the evidence: Barney when he was 2 - got scared, cried, and fell asleep. Sesame Street Live, fell asleep. Britney Spears, fell asleep (understandably). Monster truck rally, yea, the kind where they sell ear plugs at the show, fell asleep! And king of them all, Black Eyed Peas...fell...a...sleep!!!! $80 ticket, so excited to see them, "I got a feeling" all the way in...snoooooooooozzzzzzzzze!

Needless to say, the Beebs was simply out of the question. Nevermind that his cousins Paige, Emma and Kyle were going, I will not be bamboozled again. So we have a new rule for Tayden, only concerts or shows under $20 - and if it includes popcorn, a drink and the outside chance of a splendid good time - bonus! What's your cut-off point to entertain your babies? What general rule do you follow when considering event worthiness? And does nobody except me think that the circus is a creepy and slightly dangerous family outing (see When Animals Attack, or Killer Klowns II: The Revenge of Bobo)? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Back to JBieber, I have no doubt he put on a spectacular show, so if you were there, please confirm my theory that there are only two groups of fans: tween or pretween girls, and cougar moms of said tween and pretween girls. Both probably suffer from hearing loss tonight....I can hear the high pitched screams all the way out here in Urbandale!

On Father's Day...

So here we are...my very first blog (or more like attempt to blog). Caveat to all readers, and somewhat of an apology...first, I am not a writer. I think I got a C to just barely pass English, Literature, and other classes that put words/thoughts together and tested my ability to discern if they were arranged correctly or not. However, I did make it to the final 4 or so in my 7th grade spelling bee contest, and I think I carried that skill to adulthood. Then spellcheck came along and dashed my dreams, but that's another blog, promise! So I feel I'm technically qualified to publish these words. Second caveat: this blog is meant to chronicle the events, the happenings, the lessons learnt, the aches, the pains, the meltdowns, the happiness and the joys of Daddyhood when Diapers and Delirium set in. If you have a faint stomach or degenerative tissue around your heart, please leave now!

Do I feel I'm qualified to opine about these topics? I have three kids - yes. Am I that different from other dads? Um...not really...but I make a mean smoked pork butt, while caring for the babies AND doing several loads of laundry, all before noon on a Sunday! Am I trying to be funny at the expense of my kids or family values? Sometimes. BUT I love everything about them. They bring me the type of joy that's only describable by pulses of the heart and the length of that ear-to-ear smile. The journey to get there is just so filled with LOL moments and reportable occurrences, that I had to document them here.

Father's Day was just last week and I thought it'd be a perfect time to begin documenting all the things that permitted me to celebrate my efforts as a Dad. You see...Tayden (5), Kailan (23 mos) and Knolin (8 mos) call me Dad, and they provide more than enough fodder for me to write about several times over. From first-time soccer goals, to classmate birthday parties, to stomach bugs picked up from playgrounds, I got lots and lots of perspective and insights to share. I hope other dads can get a laugh from my experiences, while other moms will probably only shake their heads in deep disappointment...forgive me now!!!! And for you single people, consider my words a form of traditional and natural birth control...the pull-out method has been proven NOT to work...hence this blog...enjoy!