Cliche of cliches

Now I understand what all the other parents were talking about. You've heard it before..."they grow up soooo fast!" and "time flies when you're having fun." It's what comes out of every, every, parents mouth when talking about their kids and how one minute the babies are tiny little precious angels going home for the first time...and the next minute they're asking for the keys to the car for a date, then you're asking, "what the heck is that stain?!?!" the morning after!

I prefer to be more specific though when uttering these words because, duh, we all know time flies when when we're having fun. But in the case of kids and daddyhood, it's like this:

• Time flies when you're changing a 5lb diaper loaded to the hilt.

• Time flies when you're sleep deprived and the idea of sleeping in is 7am.

• Time flies when you're cheering your lungs out at a soccer game and he just did The Faceplant of Faceplants!

• Time flies when you're rolling in the minivan and the tuner-car fanboy gives you props.

• Time flies when you start the morning at 5am and you still get to work late!

• Time flies when that perfectly pressed shirt is tatoo'd with spit up and snot.

• Time flies when the grandparents decide to give the kids their own haircut because you haven't made an appointment after several mentions. What ensues is the classic bowl cut.

• Time flies when a perpetual cold and flu strikes everyone in the clan.

• Time flies when a "quickie" means a glance, a smile, and a pat on the ass.

• Time flies when you're judging other dads at the mall playground area.

• And time flies when your 6yr old son is hitting on the Target checkout girl...telling her to come over later...

So it's true...fo sho! Time does in fact fly when we're having this much FUNNNNNNNN! Share me some of your fun...

I'm more Manly than you...

I had a discovery moment with myself this morning. Actually it wasn't just me. But also with two guys in a red Mazda Miata...top down, tanned shaved heads, aviators, Express Men paisley shirts (top two buttons unbuttoned, mind you) and an odd staredown I can only describe as a battle of manliness. You see...I was in my Mini...my minivan, that is...and he was staring me down like, "Dude, nice van..." Oddly though, I was giving him the same stare and thinking, "Dude, get your buddy off your lap and invoke a ladies-drive-only rule!" Thus, the manliness battle begins!

Yea, yea...I drive a minivan. But honestly, I love that ride! It's got doors that open and close automatically. I don't have to help the kids get in it...kick a stool next to the door or just chuck them in by the collar...sooooo nice! I can squeal the tires, albeit, for only a second or two max. And it's a technogeek's dream with the hard drive, sat radio, DVD screens that are Pimp My Ride worthy and I can tell it what to do and it'll obey my every command..."72 degrees, AC on Biatch!!!!" Voice activation, yea!

I dunno...I felt good and manly. So when the Coppertone Dome twins were giving me the sad Dad look, I stared them back and thought:

• No man under 50 should be driving a Mazda Miata...and be happy about it.
• No man should be driving a Mazda Miata with another man - unless it's the 50 year old teaching his son to drive.
• No man should be driving a Mazda Miata in attire other than a pair of jeans, a non graphic tee, classic Wayfarers, and a full head of hair so you can actually experience that "wind blowing mane" feeling.
• Finally, No man should be driving a Mazda Miata without a Lady sitting comfortably next to him, in a sun dress, matching Wayfarers, coordinated head scarf, red lipstick and a radiating smile. Quellazaire optional.

And under my sad-dad-in-a-minivan breath, I said..."I'm more Manly than youuuuu...."

Pinatas = Anger management for babies

Pinatas. Honestly, I never paid any attention to it. I thought it to be cute and fun activity where kids get to whack an overpriced cardboard box donned in decorative fluff, and then scurry like mad rodents to collect the loot of its sweet innards. Oh was I so wrong...

The setup seemed innocent enough - fill pinata with candy, hang pinata from location at eye level, round up the kids. But here is where it starts to resemble an anger management session - supply blunt instrument, line up executioners in an orderly fashion, give the order, mayhem ensues...O...M...G!!!!! Those poor pinatas! The facial contortions and expressions of destruction were in full display with these kids. Here...see for yourself...

In the beginning: smiles and happiness

The anger begins:

So sweet, yet...so angry!

Oh hell no...he got some angry grudge look to him!

Anger baseball swing to the midsection..."Ow!", said Elmo.

And here is what's left of Elmo after the whackin! Oh the humanity...

Dismembered Elmo:

So what's the lesson here? Pinata + angry kids + whuppin stick = a headless Elmo even Quentin Tarantino would be proud to put on film!

The Pit of Despair

You can tell a lot about a dad when he's in the Pit of Despair. You'll see some relaxed and playful. Others will be wide-eyed and hurried. And still, a few more will be oblivious and absolutely clueless. The Pit of Despair isn't some testosterone laden octagon fight. Nor am I referring to where Prince Humperdink sucked the life out of Wesley because only he and his Buttercup can have true love (I'm not smoking anything...see Princess Bride...) I'm referring to the kids playground at Jordan Creek Mall!

Watching the faces and demeanor of Dads here is about as entertaining as a long, hot, muggy day at the Iowa State Fair, counting mullets, ill-fitted tube tops, and how many things-on-a-stick you can eat...it's absolutely fun! Here's a sampling of Dads you might find at the Pit of Despair, and the probability you'll actually see him:

The Proud Dad - this guy has a smile on his face the entire duration in the Pit. He's usually in pleated Dockers, Chap's polo shirt, and sandals, with socks. You'll find him following his infant child, making sure she doesn't tumble off the slide head first. And he's the one making way too loud baby talk. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 30%

The Supportive Dad - sometimes confused for the Proud Dad, the Supportive Dad does not wear socks with his sandals, and his smile and baby talk is so forced, you can see him checking his smart phone for sports updates, obscene emails from his buddies, or playing with the iPhone fart app. Supportive dad doesn't hover around his baby, rather he keeps his distance and only enters the Pit battle area when it's absolutely necessary. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 60%

The Apple Store Dad - this guy is totally oblivious to what's going on inside the Pit. Yet, he's got four grown kids making a mess and running amok of the place. Kids roughhousing, jumping from the top of the train down on some poor 11 month old. Dad though, couldn't care less...he's playing with his new iToy!!!!! The only saving grace to this Dad's fleeting mind is his buyers remorse from that fact that he just bought Apple's latest gadget that has a WTF antennae design. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 40%

The Tom Cruise Dad - this is the guy with just one baby, the lightweight Euro stroller, the designer jeans, the mandals (sans socks...) and the Hollywood mom/wife rummaging through her Chicos, Black and White Store, and Ann Taylor shopping bags. Wait...is that Suri he's watching over? Chances you'll actually see this guy: 0%, you can't see him because he can't see YOU through his designer shades, which he's wearing indoors!

The Hawk Dad - you'll find this Dad on the Pit dance floor at all times. Always hovering and shielding his baby from slips, falls and future lawsuits. This guy is quick on the draw, able to move with cat-like reflexes dodging little ones with ease. Most of the time, Mom is keeping watch from the bench, and Dad is swooping in and out on-demand. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 25%

The Mel Gibson Dad - keep your distance from this Dad. He does not want to be in the Pit. He probably got a bad latte from Starbucks. He's been at the mall for over 6 hours. And the Asian massage troupe didn't do an adequate job to relieve his stress. Now he's keeping watch over his kids while his wife is sipping wine at the Cheesecake Factory with her friends. Mel Gibson Dad is constantly screaming at his kids, and making audible "pfffffttt" sounds. It's clear he doesn't want to be there. Chances you'll actually see this guy: 75%. Chances Mel Gibson Dad and Tom Cruise Dad duke it out: 100%, it's on!

I'll save a few more Dads for part II of the Pit of Despair. If you've seen some more, let me know, describe him and the chances we'll see him there. In the meantime, let me go iron my pleated Dockers...

My theme song...

Rocky Balboa had one. You know...as he was training and ran up the stairs of the Philly Museum of Art, bleeding confidence and victory. Darth Vader had one...as he walked past the imperial guards ready to Jedi choke anyone who spoke against him. Those runners in Chariots of Fire had one...running along the beach on their way towards victory. I'm talking about theme songs...music, songs and inspiration that define these men for who they are, be it heroes, masterful villains, or underdog champions.

Well...ladies and gentlemen...here is my theme song (have your speakers ON, totally safe for work!):

Dad Life

You like? If you're a suburban dad, or if you're one of those urban dwelling blokes who's ever had a wet dream about a John Deere zero-turn 60" deck riding mower, this is your new theme song as well! So let's all rejoice in this celebration of Dad-dom. From the man scape, to the man cave, to the king of the Weber, to the master of the minivan...we have all been there, and this is our life...this is the Dad Life. Enjoy!